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27 July, 11.53pm edt
Crime Down, BeOS Usage Up. Coincidence?

BE DOPE NEWS (BDN) According to statistics released by the Department of Justice today, violent crime across the United States is down 17% from last year.

According to statistics released by Be, Inc., BeOS usage is up 17% from last year.

Clearly, this is not a coincidence.

"The BeOS is a starting over, a 'clean slate' of operating systems, if you will," said John Hopkins Chief of Psychiatry Ellen Maxis. "This new beginning has found an enthusiastic audience in those who wish to break from their violent past. Starting over with the BeOS provides a framework to starting over with a happier, more productive lifestyle."

In addition to this cleansing of the soul, the BeOS reinforces a feeling of serenity via its efficiently and stability.

"I've seen the Windows users get out of here in a delicate state, only to return a few months or even a few weeks later - once again provoked by the Blue Screen of Death, Sad Mac or other annoyance," reported Daniel Kapinski, warden of the Federal Correctional Institute in Danbury, CT. "The BeOS provides the sense of security and stability these folks need. We've taken to giving out BeOS CD-ROMs to those re-entering society."

As a result of these and similar reports, all Federal prisons will introduce BeOS machines to prison libraries across the nation.


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