; ) Be Dope archive *  icon tarot *  qJLG * haiku
interviews *  bookstore *  newsletter

visit mikepop.net for more info about Mike Popovic

3 August, 5.55pm edt
Microsoft Introduces MS Java (No, The Other Kind)

BE DOPE NEWS (BDN) Microsoft, in its continuing attempt at world domination, announced today it would now move on to the next multi-billion dollar market: the coffee industry.

"Windows 98 Roast", described by the Microsoft Marketing Machine as a "dark" blend, is spreading through Borders Books and Music Cafes everywhere. The original source of the sinister coffee seems to be a Borders store in the Redmond, Washington Town Center.

While the coffee at first seems competitively priced at US$6.99 for a 12-oz package, independent studies reveal a much higher "true cost of ownership".

"Drinkers of the Microsoft blend often find themselves crashing down from an unstable caffeine high at least once a day, sometimes as much as four or five times a day depending on their level of activity," reported Eric Simmons of the World Java Institute. "The coffee consumer must then drink more of the Microsoft blend to keep their body in a stable, productive state. This need for extra coffee adds up to big bucks."

Microsoft will also periodically release minor upgrades to its blend, forcing you to dispose of any of the previous blend you have stocked up and purchase the slightly altered blend at the full price.

"I certainly can't taste any difference," reported one Borders customer in a blind taste test.

Despite the relative blandness and ineffectiveness of the Windows 98 Roast, many people buy it and come back to buy it again. Many attribute this to Microsoft's new marketing scheme of etching its logo directly onto the retina of targeted consumers as they sleep. Others claim there is an addictive substance of some sort mixed in with the blend.

"Obviously, to offer any concrete analysis would provoke a visit from the Microsoft Litigation Force, so I won't state anything as fact on the record" said Dr. Janice Havermeyer, Chief of Chemical Analysis at the FDA. "However, I will say that for some reason when I think of Windows 98 Roast, the word 'cocaine' comes to mind."

Borders and Microsoft officials were surprised at the large turnout for the launch of the product. It was then discovered most of the crowd were users of so-called "alternative operating systems", such as Linux and the BeOS, who had misunderstood the nature of the promotion.

"I saw a sign that read 'Windows 98 Roast' and I thought there would be a bunch of people sitting around, drinking coffee and trashing Microsoft products. That's my idea of a fun night out," said one disappointed attendee with a thick French accent.

Microsoft Water(tm) and Microsoft Air(tm) are still in the test market phase and do not yet have a launch date.


New Stories
New stories by the author of Be Dope can be found at Segfault.org

e Villa Celebration
Did you know all of Be Dope's e Villa stories are available via one handy page?

Be Dope Merchandise
These remaining tshirts are sure to be a collector's item someday. Buy now.

Home | qJLG | Icon Tarot | Story Archive | Interviews | Bookstore | Newsletter | About | Advertise | Contact