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31 August, 9.25pm pdt
BeOS Disqualifies McGwire In Home Rome Race

BE DOPE NEWS (BDN) Just hours after Mark McGwire hit his 55th home run of the season to continue his bid to break the home run records set by Babe Ruth and Roger Maris, the Major League Baseball Association held a press conference announcing not only his disqualification from the legendary home run race, but his suspension for the remainder of the year pending a further investigation of suspected illegal conduct.

Specifically, McGwire was charged with altering his bat in violation of MLB's rules to give more power to his swing.

"We've been monitoring McGwire's performance closely and for a while we've plotted numbers that just didn't add up," said Commissioner Allan H. Selig. "We seized his bat, and our suspicions were confirmed."

According to MLB scientist, the bat had been hollowed out and fitted with customed hardware which was coordinated by the BeOS.

"A sophisticated network of real-time motion sensors/analyzers and biometric feedback devices tracked pitches and in fact guided and augmented McGwire's swing," explained Dr. Aaron Rosenbauer, chief MLB scientist. "This bat is the most powerful I've ever seen. He could have played Quake II while batting and still belted out home runs."

In recent news, some have speculated McGwire's use of the drug androstenedione (banned by the Olympic Committe and the NFL), which builds lean muscle mass and promotes recovery from injury, might be responsible for augmenting McGwires home run hitting.

"Drugs? You can't get this kind of power from drugs," scoffed Rosenbauer. "This kind of power only comes from an OS built from the ground up to handle today's processor intense tasks."

Rosenbauer, 4 feet 10 inches tall, weighing 98 pounds soaking wet and suffering from a heart condition that slows his movements and occasionally blurs his vision, then belted out 17 home runs in a row against major league pitchers using the altered bat to prove his point.

"Quick, sign me to some endorsement deals," quipped Rosenbauer.


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