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13 October, 5.10pm pdt
Jeff Goldblum vs. Apple

BE DOPE NEWS (BDN) At a press conference today, Jeff Goldblum announced he is filing a lawsuit against Apple Computer, based on the latest series of television advertisements for Apple's iMac computer.

Goldblum: I was drugged. According to Goldblum, Apple executives slipped something into his drink during a charity event, then filmed the commercials while he was "drugged up beyond belief."

"I never fully remembered what happened that night," said an angry Goldblum, "until last week when much to my surprise I saw myself on TV promoting the iMac. Then it all came flooding back to me."

Goldblum reported that after being drugged, Apple execs convinced him to read off some cue cards "as a gag". Under the influence Ceftozoline (a drug that reduces resistance to suggestions), Goldblum followed their direction.

"Thanks to my superior acting skills, I seem totally natural and at ease in the commercials," explained Goldblum. "But I assure you I was totally out of my mind."

Goldblum, an ardent supporter of the BeOS, was barely able to contain his rage as he spoke to reporters.

"Someone of my genius-level intelligence and considerable acting ability will obviously choose the BeOS," fumed Goldblum. "Who the hell cares what color the case is? I don't spend my time looking at the damn case - I spend my time using the operating system inside the case. Perhaps if Mac users didn't have to spend so much time rebooting, they wouldn't sit there, staring at the computer case while the machine loaded a few dozen extensions for the fifth time that day, and wishing that it was nicer to look at."

Apple had no comment at press time.

Goldblum concluded the press conference by dropping an iMac from a twelve story building.

"They are definitely aerodynamic, I'll give them that," added Goldblum.


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