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7 December, 5.20pm pst
BeOS Bad News For Naughty Kids, Santa Says

Santa Claus, the traditional leader of the Christmas holiday (before Hallmark's hostile takeover in 1983), today announced a dramatic decrease in the amount of children receiving presents this year. He attributes the drop to the remarkable power and speed of the BeOS.

"As you can imagine, correctly tracking the 'naughty' or 'nice' status of every child on earth has been an ever-increasing problem," Santa said from his hidden North Pole HQ. "In years past, system crashes and corrupted data has forced us to err on the side of caution and deliver gifts to children whose exact status could not be determined."

This year, with the switch to the ELF binary format, the North Pole for the first time was able to make use of the BeOS.

"They [the elves] have a strict Union and it's hard to not use any non-ELF systems," Claus explained.

After crunching data for just one week, Claus was reportedly shocked by the results.

"Holy Crap! I can't believe how many kids I've been giving presents to that don't deserve them," Claus reportedly said.

The gift reduction brings relief for workshop elves, reindeer and other North Pole employees during their busiest season.

"They said we acutally could slow down the toymaking," said one Elf, "and I just couldn't believe it."

"The lighter load means more time to enjoy milk and cookies and perhaps stop in at a couple of bars along my delivery route for some Christmas cheer," Claus added.


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