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December 24, 1998
The Best of Be Dope, 1998

BE DOPE NEWS (BDN) As many companies begin shutting down for the holidays, the time is ripe to infiltrate offices, dig through dumpsters and interview high-ranking executives a bit tipsy from too much egg nog at the company holiday party.

While Be Dope embarks on this fact-finding tour, the ghost of Be Dope past invites you to browse the archives - which contains over 200 Be Dope stories.

Presented below are a selection of favorites from the archives. Perhaps "Best of" is too strong a phrase, but it sounds better than "Not the absolutely worst of". Enjoy, and the Be Dope staff wishes you a joyous and peace-filled holiday season.

See you in the new year!

29 January, 3.00pm est
Tibetan Monks Replace Meditation Bells with SineClock 2.0
Changing a tradition that has been in place for thousands of years, Tibetan monks will no longer awaken, pray, work and eat to constant peal of meditation bells. Instead, they will now clear their minds to the soothing drone of SineClock running under the Be OS.

"SineClock has changed the way Tibetan monks meditate," exclaims Lapchi Tsarong, head monk of a monastary in the town of Trianga Rashi. "I, personally, have come closer to a state of Nirvana than ever before. Additionally, by tuning into the rhythms of SineClock, all monks immediately know if it is time to work in the fields or return for evening meditation."

A PPC running BeOS PR2 was installed in the bell tower. Soon after, the harmonious tones of SineClock caused yaks and villagers alike to stop and listen curiously. Soon after, a calming peace descended on the village. One villager claims that since SineClock was installed, his crop production increased seventeen percent.

The event also marked an important in-road for the BeOS in the hard-to-reach Tibetan monk information market, traditionally dominated by charcoal pencil and homemade paper. "I am pleased to hear that the monks have adopted the BeOS," states Jean-Louis Gasse, CEO of Be, Inc., "but of course would like to stress that the BeOS was designed to exist side by side with pencil and paper, not replace them."

The monks had previously rejected all other attempts at computerization due to their lack of "spiritual oneness with all of creation". Tsarong remarks, "The Be OS was the first that did not cause a disruptive flow of negative energy."

"My yak's coat has never been shinier," Tsarong added.

13 February, 10.45am est
Stephen Hawking Uses BeOS to Redefine Quantum Mechanics
Theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking has rocked the scientific world by disproving Heisenberg's Uncertainly Principle, thereby dismantling the very foundation of the mathematical theory of the structure and behavior of atoms, quantum mechanics.

"As first stated by the German physicist Werner Heisenberg, the uncertainty principle says you can't simultaneously measure both the position and velocity of a particle with perfect accuracy. This means that no one can ever predict precisely the future behavior of a particle because it's impossible to measure the particle's current state exactly," explained Hawking.

The breakthrough came soon after Hawking began using the BeOS after being impressed by a demo of Attraction and 3D Starchart. He began designing programs to create visual representations of abstract concepts such as black holes, singularities and wormholes.

"While developing these applications, I was impressed by the raw power of the BeOS and began using it in all aspects of my work."

After obtaining an quad-processor machine and clearing though a backlog of work in a matter of weeks, Hawking then decided to tackle the Uncertainty Principle.

"The problem is that the uncertainty principle does not simply state that scientists don't yet have the proper equipment to measure positions and velocities: instead, the very process of performing the measurement changes those quantities. So I knew I had to develop some pretty tricky algorithms to get around this."

After months of research and experimentation (and the incidental creation of sever new branches of mathematics), Hawking's team succeeded in measuring both positions and velocities of several particles, all without changing the qualities during the observation.

"In layman's terms what we do is create sort of a 'wormhole camera' that creates a special state around the particle that lets us make our observations and get out before the particle realizes it has been observed. It effectively takes zero time. Thus, the state is preserved. The speed and coordination for this process was impossible before the BeOS came along," Hawking explained.

More details will be presented in the scientific journal Nature next month. Hawking also plans to present a Grand Unified Theory of Everything, that will explain all the mysteries of the past, present and future universe as we know it, in the same issue.

"Now that we have the Uncertainly Principle out of the way, developing a Grand Unified Theory of Everything is mostly busy work," Hawking said.

19 February, 12.06am est
NSA Does Not Declare BeOS Responsible for Technological Breakthroughs
The United States National Security Agency (NSA), the super-secret agency responsible for the centralized coordination, direction, and performance of highly specialized technical functions in support of U.S. Government activities to protect U.S. communications and produce foreign intelligence information, did not announce the use of the BeOS for stunning advances in the areas of mathematics and cryptography.

The NSA also did not report that they have used the BeOS to create encryption schemes decades beyond any others in development. Additionally, there was no report of algorithms that can crack any foreign code in twelve seconds.

The NSA most definitely did not report developing advanced pattern-recognition algorithms that they then used to alter DNA patterns of embryos in development, creating humans with genius-level intelligence coupled with stunning good looks and total obedience. This was not followed-up with a report of how the same pattern-alteration technology could be used to alter alpha waves of people as they slept and more or less "program" their dreams.

There was a further lack of reports concerning the use of the BeOS in designing prototype electro-magnetic pulse bombs and nanomachines that attach to the optic nerve and transmit images recorded by the human eye.

There is no report of a BeOS machine in geostationary orbit using image recognition software to read, record and build a location and movement database of people based on their unique infrared radiation signature.

The NSA had no comment, since none of these events ever officially took place.

5 March, 9.23am est
Be T-shirts Outperform Traditional T-shirts
Be Inc., is less than two weeks away from releasing a revolutionary new T-shirt. They claim it will forever change the way people think about wearing clothes.

"By designing these T-shirts from the ground up to be optimized for today's high-demand activities," explained Be Inc. CEO Jean-Louis Gassée, "we avoided legacy weaving that all other T-shirts are forced to build upon."

Audiences watched fascinated as Alex "Demo God" Osadzinski demonstrated the new T-shirts last week. He kept a constant patter going as he simultaneously played basketball, volleyball, placed a cell phone call, rock-climbed and checked his email.

"The Be T-shirt allows your body more freedom and breaks up each movement into a bunch of smaller jobs, allowing you to focus power when and where you need it," he said as he sunk a perfect 3-point shot, "as opposed to existing T-shirts which lock you into one movement at a time."

"Even simply putting on and taking off the T-shirt is 70% faster - this alone is invaluable in situations when you simply do not want to wait to remove your T-shirt," Osadzinski added.

What's even more amazing is the fact that the T-shirts are based on the same cotton fibers today's T-shirts are using. Gassée credits the Be engineers with designing a product that makes efficient use of existing materials through superior manufacturing and weaving.

Developers have flocked to Be, designing activities that were simply not possible within the limits of existing T-shirts. Despite this, Gassée does not see his T-shirts immediately replacing all others.

"The Be T-shirt was designed to exist alongside today's existing T-shirt, which offer a level of comfort and familiarity to the wearer," Gassée stated. "For example, a person might wear an older T-shirt while watching TV, eating lunch or reading a book, then switch into the Be T-shirt as they begin higher-demand activities such as running a marathon, kayacking or rollerblading."

After months of testing and perfecting, the Be T-shirt has begun shipping to developers and will be unveiled and distributed to the world at large at this month's BeDC. Be also plans to give away copies of the BeOS with the T-shirt.

10 April, 3.07pm est
Primitive Volcanic Gods Choose BeOS Over Windows
On some isolated islands in the region of the world known as the "Ring of Fire" for its massive volcanic activity, time seems to stand still. Societies there often are at the same level of technology and culture as their great-great-grandparents. Not so for the Aletnu tribe, which has adopted advances in technology while retaining its cultural heritage.

"Yes, it is true in the past that our tribe, along with others, would throw young virgin girls into active volcanoes to appease the Gods that live within them," said B'nila Varuna, Chief of the Aletnu tribe. "I am proud to say that the Aletnu tribe abandoned such outmoded thinking as far back as the 1950s."

A group of Aletnu researchers in the late 1940s begin experimenting with other objects in attempts to appease the Volcano Gods.

"It was groundbreaking work, but we were driven. More and more people resented throwing perfectly healthy nubile young women into the volcanoes, and a substitute had to be found" recalls one of the researchers. "There were of course many failures before any success. At one point, several Gods seemed pleased with a mix of blenders, Playboy magazines and cheese sandwiches, but Zamplatlu, stubborn God that he is, showed his displeasure by dousing a nearby village with a coating of toxic volcanic ash."

The breakthrough came in the 1950s after several televisions were thrown into a volcano on the verge of erupting and engulfing the town below in molten lava. Immediately, the volcanic activity subsided, indicating the pleasure of the Gods with the sacrifice.

Since then, a dedicated team of Aletnu tribesman have followed technological trends and adapted them to appeasing their Gods.

Eventually the Gods would demand new sacrifices, which until recently, has mostly included personal computers running the Windows operating system.

"Windows was popular among people, and at first it seemed the Gods were happy with the sacrifice," said Chief Varuna, recalling several incidence of hurling desktop and laptop systems into the fiery abyss.

However, the task of appeasing the volcano Gods using Windows soon became a full-time hassle. It got to the point where tribal elders began collecting names of young virgins among the tribe, in case they had to return to the old ways to appease their vengeful gods of fire and destruction.

"In the old days, you would toss a virgin into the fire and not even have to think about a fiery rain of death from above for at least two weeks," said one tribesman. "Now, just days after tossing a Pentium 300Mhz system into a volcano, I find myself trudging back up the mountain to update the sacrifice."

Return visits on an almost daily basis involved the ritual sacrifice of additional memory, software and peripherals.

"Sometimes you just had to give up and toss an entire new system in and hope it was configured correctly this time," said one tribe member.

"The cost, both in terms of raw hardware and the lost time of my people, was becoming too much. Young virgin girls were beginning to seem like a small price to pay," Chief Varuna reported.

Then, the tribe discovered the BeOS.

"We were impressed, and could only hope the Gods would feel as we did," the Chief said.

Results were immediate and astounding. After tossing several systems running the BeOS into the volcanoes on a small test island, volcanic activity came to a standstill. The BeOS was soon adopted on other islands and the result was the same.

"I tossed a BeOS system into a volcano two months ago, and I haven't had to return to offer another sacrifice since," one tribe member reported.

"I'm responsible for appeasing the Gods who live in this chain of volcanoes, and now I simply sacrifice one BeOS computer, whereas it took three or four Windows machines to appease all the Gods simultaneously," said another.

In a celebration last week, Chief Varuna named the entire Be team honorary tribe members.

"I would like to thank those responsible for bringing stability and order back to our way of life," Chief Varuna proclaimed. "It is a comfort to know our women will not once again be tossed to their fiery death, leaving them to their natural tasks of working in the fields, cooking our feasts and bearing our children. Progress is wonderful!"

2 June, 11.11am edt
Mattel To Release Jean-Louis Gassée Action Figure
Toy industry giant Mattel has announced plans to release a series of action figures based on the biggest names in the computing industry. The first figure in the series will be Be, Inc. CEO Jean-Louis Gassée.

"We wanted an exciting figure to capture the imagination of toy-buyers, and research showed the Gassée figure as the most well-received," said a Mattel spokesperson.

The Gassée figure, along with the popular "kung-fu" grip also has patented "technology-sensitive nipples" which will grow hard in the presence of advanced technology, such as the popular BeOS. Accessories include a French wine and cheese set and a wardrobe of assorted Be tshirts.

The next figure in the series will be the Bill Gates Action Figure. This figure will be sold with the Corporate Raider Playhouse and includes twenty Microsoft Lawyer Action Figures.

16 June, 10.04am edt
Jean-Louis Gassée On TV
Be, Inc. CEO Jean-Louis Gassée will appear on "The Late Show With David Letterman" this week to promote the appearance of the BeOS at New York's PC Expo. "Letterman" is produced and taped in New York City. In honor of the event, Letterman's famous Top Ten List will revolve around the BeOS. Be Dope spies inside the Ed Sullivan Theatre have obtained this early draft:

Top Ten Signs Be Is In NYC

Number 10
Bill Gates attempts to poison the water supply with Windows 98

Number 9
Sudden severe shortage of French wine and cheese

Number 8
Goodbye "What's your sign"; Hello, "What's your MIME type"

Number 7
Jacob Javits Center more crowded than the subways at rush hour

Number 6
Flasher attempts to show you his "Expander"

Number 5
Everywhere you look: rotating teapots

Number 4
"Learning the bash shell" hits #1 on the NY Times Bestseller List

Number 3
86% reduction rate in computer-frustration related homicides

Number 2
Street vendors introduce "Multi-Threaded Hot Dogs"

And the Number 1 Sign Be is in NYC:
Your nipples are hard!

24 June, 4.45pm edt
Popemobile Goes BeOS
You can add Pope John Paul II, leader of the worldwide Roman Catholic religious organization, to the growing list of BeOS developers. His Holiness' preference of operating systems was revealed when he ordered Vatican engineers to outfit the Popemobile with an onboard computer running the BeOS.

The Pope hopes the BeOS-outfitted Popemobile will serve as a "mobile office" - allowing him to catch up on work when en route to and from destinations.

"I don't know if anyone else has noticed this, but whenever I go on the road there are inevitably huge traffic jams," said the Pope. "About all I could do was wave at people, and that gets pretty old after about ten minutes. Now at least I can get some work done, or kick back with a game of Nerdkill."

The Pope is reportedly working on programming several applications for the BeOS, including one for automating the damning of sinners, fornicators and others condemned to Hell according to rules set forth by the Holy Bible. There is no word yet if the program (Damn-It 1.0) will be made available to the public on BeWare.

However, much of the Pope's time is taken up dealing with a huge volume of email.

"I get a lot of email asking me to bless things," explained the Pope. "Although the majority of email is from people curious about my hat."

While installing the BeOS computer into the Popemobile, Vatican engineers took the opportunity to add a 5 CD-changer, overhead lifters, and genuine imitation leather seats.

9 September, 10.57pm pdt
Excitement Builds With BeOS "GNU" Release
Free software advocates worldwide today celebrated as word leaked out of a "GNU" version of the BeOS.

Under the GNU General Public License, software is distributed, either without cost or for a fee, but full source code (or access to it) must be included. Recepients of the software are then free to modify the source code and/or redistribute the software under the same conditions.

"This is certainly a boost for the GNU philosophy," said St. Richard M. Stallman, founder and spiritual leader of the GNU movement. "We welcome the awe-inspiring power of the BeOS to the ranks of GNU software. I expect this might speed the development of the Hurd kernel."

However, the celebration was short-lived as clarification from Be, Inc. revealed the "GNU" version was in fact, literally a version of the BeOS optimized for for gnus, and was not connected with the GNU General Public License in any way.

"We are of course still primarily the Media OS," said Be, Inc. CEO Jean-Louis Gassée. "but our research shows the Gnus are key to gaining a toehold in the critical African grassland market."

Last minute changes in R4 (Hawking) include support for hoof-friendly input methods and mating call enhancement and generation software.

"Well, damn," Stallman added.


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