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11 February, 4.45pm pst
Falwell Denouces BeOS As "Gay"

BE DOPE NEWS (BDN)   - by Be Dope cub reporter Scot Hacker
Just days after fundamentalist religous leader Jerry Falwell launched his initial campaign to coax Teletubby Tinky Winky out of the closet (for being purple, wearing a triangle on his head, and prancing around with a magic bag slung over his arm), Falwell has again landed himself on the wrong side of gay rights groups by leveling similar accusations against the BeOS.

As previously reported in BeDope, the cyborganic stars of the popular television program for toddlers do indeed use BeOS as their internal operating system, a fact which accounts for the exceptionally high-resolution full-screen video they're able to display in their tummy TVs.

Now, it appears, Falwell has come to the conclusion that the roots of Tinky Winky's homosexuality go deeper than surface appearances would have us believe. According to Falwell, "Something in Tinky Winky's wiring must be out of whack. Now that I realize that the Tubbies are powered by the BeOS, it's become clear to me that the BeOS itself must be gay. I would like to admonish my Windows-using parishioners to steer clear of this high-performance operating system, as its effects on the psyche are clearly unpredictable."

A spokesperson for Be, Inc., however, had a different take on the matter:

"We've designed BeOS to be as flexible as possible, so that the system can accomodate users from diverse backgrounds and inclinations. We applaud Tinky Winky for the degree to which he's been able to customize the system to accomodate his lifestyle. However, we have to disagree with Falwell that BeOS is itself gay. Being nothing more than 1.5 million lines of C and C++, the operating system is itself sexless, and therefore incapable of having sexual preferences one way or another."

An exhaustive search of the Internet revealed that Falwell is the first public figure to use the word "gay" in a non-pejorative reference to an operating system.

Falwell was busy watching old episodes of "The Muppet Show" in search of sinister religious sub-text, and was unavailable for comment.


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