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5 March, 4.03pm pst
BeOS Decodes DNA

BE DOPE NEWS (BDN) In what is being called the "scientific breakthrough of the century" researches today announced that the massive amounts of information associated with DNA in human genes are in fact extended attributes for a BeOS StyledEdit document.

"When plugged into the BeOS in the proper sequence, you receive a document that details the inner workings of genes and DNA in plain english," said Dr. Ryan Tevya, Director of the Human Genome Mapping Project. "In fact, it's quite nicely formatted, with bold and italic text, colors, diagrams, etc."

"We knew using attributes to store properties of documents was a smart idea, but we never realized it was this smart," said one Be engineer.

Analysts now believe that the BeOS has evolved far enough beyond its predecessors that it is actually approaching the super-advanced technology used by who or whatever originally engineered the universe.

"Call it God, call it bug-eyed aliens, call it what you like, but obviously the BeOS is taking us closer to the engineers of this Universe," said the Rev. Joanna Zayze. "Not only is the BeOS solving technical problems, it is moving us towards a solution to perhaps the greatest philosophical question of all time."

The scientists announced it would be several weeks before it could sift through all the information and produce a summary for the people of earth. This is assuming they can hold out against the seven hundred NSA agents Be Dope spy satellites have detected now converging on their laboratories.


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