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3 November, 2000 12:15pm pdt | Clango Edition
Be Dope More Evil Than Satan, Microsoft?

BE DOPE NEWS (BDN) Just one year after reporting that Microsoft had been judged "more evil than Satan himself" by the popular Google search engine, the same search engine now states Be Dope itself is more evil than the infamous fallen angel. Is this a true reflection of the state of Be Dope's moral compass, or is there perhaps a more sinister explanation?

The original story, published in October of 1999, reported on the popular meme being circulated around the Internet, that if you performed a search on Google using the phrase "more evil than Satan himself" the number one result was the Microsoft homepage.

Even though the meme is still circulating to this day, the resulting number one result is now Be Dope, a popular underground news, information and entertainment site.

"Hahahahahaha, take that [Be Dope CEO Mike] Popovic," Gates stated in a fit of maniacal laughter.

There is doubt to the technical accuracy of these new results.

"While Be Dope is certainly mischievous at times, very rarely would I characterize their actions as evil," said Google employee Dominic Giampaolo. "For this reason I'm a bit suspicious of these results".

Also suspicious is the absence of Microsoft anywhere within the top ten results. In fact, as of this writing Microsoft fails to appear within the top 100 results.

"Even under the Catholic system of buying off your sins, the charitable contributions Gates has made within the past year would only cancel out about 2.7% of Microsoft's evilness - hardly enough to remove it from the top ten," explained Pope John Paul II.

Industry analysts have rushed forward with explanations ranging from a conspiracy theory against the sometimes Microsoft-critical Be Dope site to supernatural intervention from Satan himself, who may be shying away from being associated with Microsoft in any way. However, a handful of analysts believe Be Dope has indeed risen to new levels of evil, based on stories from inside sources that soon will "become known to the world at large".

Ironically, the screen shot that went along with the original article is one of the few remaining records of Microsoft's free-wheeling evil days.

In an attempt to scientifically judge the level of evil in a typical Be Dope employee, I performed the following experiment on myself: A box of kittens was placed on the nearby train tracks. Also placed on the tracks was a pastrami sandwich. With the 9:02 approaching, there was only enough time to grab one. I am happy to report that I ate the pastrami sandwich, and not the kittens, as any evil minion would have undoubtedly done. And I don't even like pastrami that much.


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