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5 July, 2000 5.00pm pdt | Matthau Edition
The Odd Couple

BE DOPE NEWS (BDN) F/X: Opening Theme, "The Odd Couple"

The Impressive Narrator: On June 7, Bill Gates was asked to remove himself from his place of business. That request came from the DOJ. Deep down, he knew they were right, but he also knew that someday he would return. With nowhere else to go, he appeared at the company of his friend, Jean-Louis Gassée. Sometime earlier, Gassée's boss had thrown him out, requesting that he never return. Can two diverse men share a company without driving each other crazy?

[Interior, day. Be, Inc. CEO Jean-Louis Gassée approaches an office where Bill Gates is typing furiously away]

Gassée: Bill have you seen...what are you doing there Bill?

Gates: Oh, just merging some changes back into the BeIA source tree.

Gassée: Changes? What sort of changes?

Gates: Well, I couldn't happen but notice that BeIA was missing some rather crucial features.

Gassée: Such as?

Gates: Well, for example, I just coded in support for all file formats dating back to punch cards, a system-wide embedded Visual Basic interpreter/plug-in architecture, a covert data collection and transmission agent and Crispy, the friendly OpenGL animated helper toaster.

Gassée: What?!!!

Gates: [chuckling] Crispy - he's an animated toaster. Get it? Crispy - Toaster? Appliance?

Gassée: But we don't need any of that stuff! Nobody wants it!

Gates: Of course not, but all you have to do is convince people they want it, or declare animated toasters a standard and all of a sudden your featurelist is way ahead of the competitors'! Besides, it only increased the BeIA footprint by 27%.

Gassée: [turning red and gesticulating wildly] 27%?! That's just ... [takes deep breath] ok, we'll talk about this later. Right now I was wondering if you've seen the execs from MegaTech. They seemed pretty hot on our technology and were about to sign a major contract, but now they're not in the conference room.

Gates: Oh, they're gone.

Gassée: Gone! what do you mean gone?

Gates: Strangest thing. We started chatted about BeIA but then I started to explain my philosphy of total domination, and they suddenly remembered they had to go to an aunt's funeral. They sure did leave in a hurry.

Gassée: [softly] Get out.

Gates: [continuing without hearing] ... did look kind of terrified now that I think about it. But then again ...

Gassée: [interrupting, yelling] Out! Out! Get Out!

Gates: Who me?

Gassée: Yes you! Get out of here! You with your world domination! Code bloat! Coasters! Scaring off my deals! Out!

Gates: [wounded] Me? Wrecking things? [shakes head] Gassée, Gassée, Gassée. I try to help you, bring a little modern method to your French farmer ways, and this is the thanks I get?

Gassée: [suddenly strangely calm] You're right, good buddy, how could I be so rude. In fact, if you go up to the roof, you'll find a little surprise I got for you.

Gates: I knew you'd come around Gassée! I have lots of other ideas for improvement too. Such as ..

Gassée: Let's discuss this up on the roof, Ok? I'll be up in a moment.

Gates: Sure! [scampers out of conference room to stairwell]

Gassée: [into speakerphone] Gassée to engineering. Roof disposal squad to the roof immediately. Code 114.

Speakerphone: Copy that.

Gassée: [singing to himself as he heads for his office] Da dum da dum da dum ...

Gates: Ayearrgh!


F/X: Ending theme.

[Roll credits]


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