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11 February, 2000 12.20pm pst | Popcorn Edition
U.S. Faces Massive Appliance Strike
Aquarium Blender Phone Internet Appliance
Aquarium Blender Phone Internet Appliance (Compaq Prototype)

BE DOPE NEWS (BDN) Citizens across the nation are staring down the barrel of a possible appliance strike that threatens to cripple the infrastructure of life as we have come to know it. At issue is the entry of so-called "Internet Appliances" from Be, Inc. and others into the market.

The issues are complex. At the core is the culture clash between the newer internet appliances and traditional appliances, such as toasters, refrigerators and blenders.

"On the one side you have the so-called 'oldtimer' appliances - blenders, toaster ovens, etc., who are relatively low-tech and certainly not considered sexy by the popular media or anyone else for that matter," explained appliance historian Dr. Bernard Meeks. "On the other side you have 'internet' or 'information' appliances - current media darlings and packed full of more technology than a landfill of waffle irons."

Traditional appliance unions (such as Toaster Ovens Local #748) are demanding increased media attention and, in many cases, BeIA.

"They refuse to see that there is not yet a market for a BeIA electric can opener," said Meeks.

The conflict has set back inter-appliance relations years, according to analysts. While the older appliances had begun to grudgingly accpet more recent additions like microwave ovens into their ranks, the new conflict has once again split appliances into factions.

Perhaps nothing is viewed with as much distrust as those appliances who cross the line to work with the internet appliance crowd.

The mere mention of refrigerations with LCD screens that connect to the internet, order groceries and organize recipes is met with mutterings of "appliance scabs" and "borgification".

Nevertheless, negotiators are optimistic about reaching a settlement.

"No one want to see a coffee-toast-laundry-waffle-margarita stoppage," said officials.


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