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20 January, 2000 12.00pm pst | Lunar Eclipse Edition
Linus Sucks At Quake; Geeks Horrified

BE DOPE NEWS (BDN) Geeks everywhere were aghast yesterday when Linus Torvalds demonstrated his lack of Quake skills during the unveiling of the Crusoe chip from Transmeta. Mere seconds after the game began, Linus aimlessly sprayed his bullets around and was nailed as he helplessly looked for more ammo. A strange silence gripped the crowd and several people fainted instantly.

Linus, who was using Linux running on a Crusoe chip was at least honorable in taking full responsibility for his performance, saying beforehand, "I'd like to point out that if I lose, it's not the operating system."

Unfortunately, this was not enough to cushion the blow of his extreme suckiness.

"I mean, I didn't know what to expect, but I certainly didn't expect such a pitiful display," said one audience member. "I blinked, he was fragged, and it was over. It was inconceivable."

The fact that his opponent was Quake co-creator David Taylor was not a source consolation.

"Sure, I figured Taylor had to be pretty good, but c'mon this is Linus we're talking about," ranted one witness. "I expected a little more from him. We all did."

Adding insult to injury was the fact that Taylor's machine, while using a Crusoe processor, was running Quake under Windows 98.

"Even his own operating system could not save him," bemoaned one fan.

A special press conference was convened to explain to confused members of the press that Linus was not God, nor even a minor deity.

According to later reports, many who witnessed the carnage later removed Linux from their hard drives, as it served as a powerful and sad remind of the day's events.

"I thought he sucked," Taylor reportedly added.

Benchmarks of BeOS running Quake on a Crusoe processor were not released to the public at this time.


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