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5 January, 2000 3.30pm pst | Spirit Edition
God Delays "Be Everywhere" Campaign
God with several unidentified Heaven interns

BE DOPE NEWS (BDN) Be Dope reporters learned today that God in Heaven has filed an injunction against Be, Inc. in order to stop deployment of their "Be Everywhere" marketing campaign, claiming it violates and dilutes trademarks held on His "God is Everywhere" slogan.

"We've put in a lot of effort, money and bloodshed into promoting our omnipotent 'God is Everywhere' campaign, and we're not about to lose mindshare to some OS company," said God.

"The threat posed to God is quite real," explained trademark analyst Dina Andel. "Right now if someone were to feel a mysterious presence when there was no one else around, they are most likely to suspect it is God, or perhaps the Holy Spirit, who is also God, because God is Everywhere. With a 'Be Everywhere' campaign, Be has the potential to erode God's mindshare. Is the mysterious presence God, or is it perhaps BeOS lurking in a nearby appliance or computer?"

According to analysts, God has been slowly losing mindshare over the last few centuries, and is reluctant to risk the direct threat the "Be Everywhere" campain represents. While nearly 100% of the earth's population would attribute a mysterious presence to "God or other superior being" in 1749, a recent survey revealed that fully 7% now attribute the feeling to "ghosts or poltergeists", 3% to "undefined spirits" and 1.4% to "a Pokémon character."

Be, Inc. approached God with a time-share agreement that would allow each to be Everywhere on alternate weeks. Under the agreement God would also remain Everywhere on major religious holidays, while Be would remain Everywhere on release dates. However, it was rejected by Heaven's representatives.

The two parties will enter arbitration next week in an attempt to avoid negative publicity, a costly trial and the possibility of "being smote from upon high with a wrathful vengence".


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