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15 December, 1999 4.00pm pst | Bushnell Edition
Be Confronts Maui Bloat Issues
Buzzword Enabled!

BE DOPE NEWS (BDN) As testing on the new version of Maui allegedly continues, or doesn't (we can't unofficially say for certain), Be's marketing department faces some tough decisions as they are faced with the dreaded problem of buzzword bloating. Many joked "Be" stood for "Buzzword Enabled" when BeOS was first released, and over the years BeOS has accumulated many more buzzwords. If not checked, this practice could lead to BeOS suffering from the same buzzword bloating that plagues many other operating systems.

"At first it seems harmless," explained marketing analyst Dr. Marissa O'Leary. "Add another adjective here, perhaps a hyphenated modifier or two there. But if you're not careful it adds up, and soon you no longer can boast that your product is buzzword-optimized."

"Older operating systems are loaded down with layer upon layer of buzzword silt," said Be, Inc. CEO Jean-Louis Gassée. "You let it build up too long, and then it becomes dangerous to remove any of them without threatening of destruction the entire structure."

In the meantime, these operating systems are forced to use legacy cardstock to support the weight of a morass of buzzwords in their marketing materials. Users and reporters are often forced to read documentation, press releases and even product box copy that cease to make sense as a result of sentances that are stretched to ridiculous lengths in order to accomadate years and years of buzzwords that don't necessarily work well together next to each other or even in the same paragraphs.

BeOS users are often surprised how quickly they can read through an entire press release or web page.

"This is the sort of thing my grandmother could understand," said one user. "I would never send her Microsoft press releases - all that obfuscating jargon goes totally over her head!"

According to Be, they have no plans to change their core buzzwords, including: symmetric multiprocessing, pervasive multithreading, true multi-tasking and kick-ass.

The following new buzzwords have been officially approved: internet-native, high-intensity, media-rich, digital/broadband-enabled, instant-on, appliance-friendly, high-performance, alternative.

Buzzwords that will be used only under special circumstances include: processor agnostic, silt-free, nipple-hardening, upstart, Microsoft-defying.

Unfortunately some buzzwords, while still accurrate, were retired to make way for the new ones. These include: cable-ready, frost free, jaw-dropping, highly regarded, OS-doubling, hassle-free, robust, paradigm-shifting, media-optimized, non-annoying, intuitive, geek-loving, crack-like addiction.


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