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6 December, 1999 4.31pm pst | Houseboat Edition
Be Corners Cat-exercise Appliance Market
Improperly Excercised Cat

BE DOPE NEWS (BDN) Be, Inc. today announced an exclusive partnership with the owners of US Patent US5443036: Method of exercising a cat. With this agreement, Be gains access to the millions-strong cat owner market, becoming the sole providers of approved cat-exercise appliances.

According to the US Patent office, this patent covers:

A method for inducing cats to exercise consists of directing a beam of invisible light produced by a hand-held laser apparatus onto the floor or wall or other opaque surface in the vicinity of the cat, then moving the laser so as to cause the bright pattern of light to move in an irregular way fascinating to cats, and to any other animal with a chase instinct.

Dr. Kevin Amiss, one of the inventors, explained the virtues of the Be partnership at a press conference.

"When someone wants to exercise their cat, they don't want to jump through a lot of hurdles to do so," said Amiss. "A Be cat-exercise appliance is instant-on and media rich - providing a superior, more robustful, media-rich cat-exercise experience."

Amiss and co-inventor Martin Abbott plan to form a new company to manufacture the devices while licensing Be's "Stinger" technology.

Once the devices are available, Amiss and Abbot will enforce their patent on anyone found excersing their cat with a non-approved cat-exercise appliance, prosecuting them to the fullest extent the law allows.

"Unregulated cat-exercising is not something to be trusted to the general public," warned Abbott. "Just look at the number of fat cats you come across in the course of a week - all a result of improper, non-patented cat-exercising techniques with non-approved and untested equipment."

The added power in a BeOS cat-exercise appliance will be harnessed as an option to intensify the laser beam to eliminate any troublesome cats who choose not to exercise in a timely fashion.

Fitness and annoyance guru Richard Simmons will reportedly star in an infomercial for the device.


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