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5 November, 1999 11.15pm pst | Underground Edition
Reality Distortion Field Fails In MSFT Defense
Bill Gates
Bill Gates attempts to activate the Reality Distortion Field during his video testimony at the Microsoft antitrust trial.

BE DOPE NEWS (BDN) Still stunned by today's "Finding of Fact" by U.S. Federal Judge Thomas Penfield Jackson, the Microsoft legal team finally discovered the fatal flaw in their defense case - a faulty Reality Distortion Field on loan from Apple iCEO Steve Jobs.

The revelation was the missing piece in a puzzle that has had industry analysts scratching their heads in wonder.

"Often during the trial I'd be astonished by the actions of the Microsoft lawyers," said tech journalist John C. Dvorack. "Badly rigged test systems, edited video tapes - none of it made sense for such a large corporation with virtually unlimited funds and resources. I've seen used car salsemen give more convincing pitches."

A Microsoft employee, speaking on condtion of anonymity, revealed that the company's tradition of cutting corners was their downfall.

"We were planning a truly eloquent defense with all sorts of forged evidence done by [the agency who faked the Moon landing] - real pros," he explained. "Then [Steve] Jobs came by and said 'Hey, just borrow my Reality Distortion Field™ and everything will be all right' - in retrospect I'm not really sure why we trusted him, but he was very convincing."

Other evidence that the legal team was over-relying on the Reality Distortion Field includes the repetition of the "right to innovate" argument and several occassion where lawyers just moved their lips without actually saying any words.

Jobs' legendary Reality Distortion Field is credited with guiding Apple through some rough times and getting the world excited about see-through plastic.

At an Apple press conference Jobs held in his laughter as he admitted he may have offered his "old pal Bill" a "helping hand" in the trial. He distracted the press corps with a preview of Toy Story 2 while he slipped out a side exit before any questions could be asked.

In his 207 page report, U.S. District Judge Thomas Penfield Jackson ripped through every attempted Microsoft defense, stating that Microsoft ``demonstrated that it will use its prodigious market power and immense profits to harm any firm that insists on pursuing initiatives that could intensify competition against one of Microsoft's core products.''

Jackson became the first U.S. judge to use the phrase "What, did you think I was on crack?" in an official court document.


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