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18 August, 1999 3.15pm pdt
Monkey Murderers Divide BeOS Community
dead monkeys

BE DOPE NEWS (BDN) Several hundred monkeys are dead after BeNews officials stormed the headquarters of TreeLoot and gunned down their entire staff of monkeys, known world-wide for their advertisements. The action has bitterly polarized the BeOS community into debating factions, and cries of "BeNews monkey racists" can be heard in online discussion forums.

"What happened is we had some folks complaining about the monkey ads, describing them as distracting" said BeNews CEO Adrian Ziemkowski. "Rather than risk alienating any readers, I decided to take care of the problem once and for all."

The monkeys in question were stars of one of the top 3 most-clicked banner ads in 1999 according to Nielsen/Netratings.

Ironically, Ziemkowski's actions may have had the opposite effect.

"I want the monkey back. Bring back the monkey! I love monkeys!" posted one reader, while another expressed sadness that "a few loudmouths have kicked the monkey out of the BeOS community. He was a very important part of the community."

Some posters supported Ziemkowski's actions, commenting "That goddamn primate sucked fabio ass." (Fabio was unavailable for comment at press time)

The debate, while heated, has remained mostly civil. However, some are beginning to claim BeNews of "monkey racism".

"I've had a lot of personal experience with this before, and it not pretty," said Michael Nesmith, former member of the pre-fab pop group The Monkees and current head of the Monkey Anti-Defamation League. "Monkey racism has long been a topic Americans have swept under the carpet, but that doesn't make it go away. We will take that monkey racist Ziemkowski to the Supreme Court if that's what it takes to bring this tragic national problem into the public eye."

Nesmith has launched an investigation into Ziemkowski's past, following up on an anonymous tip that Ziemkowski was in fact raised by monkeys who endlessly taunted him concerning his inferior tree-climbing and banana skinning skills.

"It is too early to tell, but this may be a simple case of brutal revenge," said Nesmith.

Kansas school board officials applauded the move, citing the fact that monkeys used in the entertainment and advertising industries fuel the riduculous yet popular theory that human beings somehow evolved from monkeys, instead of being created from dust particles, as stated on page three of the Bible.

Officials at TreeLoot were unavailable for comment and calls to their office reached a taped recording stating the entire corporation was shut down and in a "period of mourning for our fallen friends, the monkeys."


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