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28 June, 1999 4.45pm pdt
Be Beta Tests New Hairstyle

BE DOPE NEWS (BDN) As part of Be's plan for a "Be Everywhere" marketing campaign, Be, Inc.'s Scot Barta is beta testing the official new Be employee hairstyle, as seen in the above exclusive photo. "Well, it had to start somewhere," Barta reportedly said.

Barta went on to explain the benefits of the new hairstyle: "This hairstyle, much like BeOS, accomplishes many tasks simultaneously:

First, it catches people's attention and creates what's known in the industry as a 'buzz'. This is not to be confused with the buzz of hummingbird wings as they dive towards the bright colors, thinking they have hit the motherlode.

Second, it imprints Be's traditional colors into the viewer's brain. Since all Be employees have improbably high levels of sex appeal, anyone viewing a Be employee with the new hairstyle will forever find the Be blue/red color scheme irrestibly sexy.

Third, it makes onlookers curious and prone to ask questions. This gives you the perfect opportunity to explain the benefits of BeOS and perhaps even give them a Demo CD.

Fourth, it distracts viewers while your co-worker hits them on the head with a blunt instrument. Before they recover you have ample time to install BeOS on their laptop or desktop machine."

The first step of the official Be hairstyle involves a closely shaved head, which many Be engineers have been testing with great success.

"By my calculations, I save almost a half-hour per day with this haircut," said Be's Ficus Kirkpatrick, chief clipper engineer on the project. "It takes almost no time to wash and even less time to dry. Plus the improved aerodynamics it lends to my head saves microseconds whenever I get up and walk around. It adds up. I now spend this formerly wasted time improving BeOS or hitting people over the head with blunt instruments."


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