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7 May, 1999 8.30am pdt
BeOS Bible Causes Heavenly Rift

BE DOPE NEWS (BDN) The BeOS has polarized Heaven's inhabitants, as God denounces Jesus for proclaiming it "better than the original Bible". Meanwhile men of the cloth from preachers to televangelists are hopelessly lost and don't know if they should condemn Bible author Scot Hacker to the darkest reaches of Hell for blasphemy or sing his praises for channeling the one true Word.

"I don't know where he gets off even calling this a 'Bible' of any kind, " sayeth God. "There is no fire, no swarm of locusts, no divine vengeance - and not even one blood sacrifice.

Jesus wishes for once his Heavenly Father wouldn't be so "Old Testement".

"Scot and I worked on this Bible to make the BeOS as forgiving as possible to those coming from other operating systems or those new to computers entirely," said Jesus. "Forgiveness is what it's all about, not locusts."

Earth-bound preachers are preparing to take action.

"I am fully prepared to crucify Mr. Hacker for acts of sacrilege or praise him as a prophet once those above make up their mind," said famed televangelist Jerry Falwell.

Mary, mother of Jesus, has advised him and God to "settle their differences and stop bothering me already, as if I care."

It is expected the Holy Spirit, known throughout Heaven as "the tiebreaking vote" will settle matters next week after reviewing the BeOS Bible.

In an interesting twist, Lucifer, Angel of Darkness, has sided with God on this issue.

"More people using the BeOS instead of other operating systems translates to a lot less earthly pain and suffering and I certainly don't want to see that," Lucifer explained.


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