Be Dope - 13 July - 17 July, 1998

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Article Archive - 13 July - 17 July, 1998

17 July

BeOS Helps Fight Heat Wave
The BeOS is doing its part in fighting the heat wave gripping the southern and western United States. Emergency installations of the BeOS have been popping up in convenience stores across the nation. Their mission: deliver slurpees more efficiently.

"With the BeOS, each Slurpee, Super Slurpee and even the Ridiculously-Super-Sized Slurpee is made in one third of the time, compared to when my Slurpee machine is not interfacing with the BeOS," said a convenience store clerk in Austin, Texas. "Now I can help cool three people in the time it used to take me to cool one."

Additionally, studies of people who consume BeOS Slurpees show they remain cooler an average of 37% longer than those who consume "regular" slurpees. About 83% report the BeOS Slurpee has a more pleasant taste and texture.

"And I can eat a BeOS Slurpee fast and not even get a brain freeze," exclaimed seven year-old Slurpee expert Katie Brianna.

16 July

Net+ Gets Organic Interface
Be, Inc. took the concept of input/output to a new level today when it announced it's web browser, Net Positive, would use an internally developed "Flora Interface" starting with R4 of the BeOS. In other words, users will be able to control, and receive feedback from, Net+ via common household and exotic plants.

The development of the Flora Interface for Net+ was a labor of love for Net+ designer Scott Barta. Barta, who was raised in the rain forest of South America by a thicket of Trestlewood trees, retained strong ties to plants of all kinds after being discovered and adopted by a group of vacationing Be engineers.

Scott soon showed a talent for building network applications, and Net+ was born.However, sitting in his office surrounded by plants of all types, Scott wanted Net+ to be one with him and his environment. So, the Flora Interface (FI) was born.

Using FI, Scot forgoes his mouse and keyboard for more tactile alternatives - his plants. Touching certain leaves of one plant will bring his browser forward, another acts as a "Back" button. Manipulating a palm frond moves the cursor and allows for "clicking" of hyperlinks. And watering the plants causes Net+ to Refresh.

New configuration options lets you optimize FI to work with your prefernce of plants, from common houseplants to exotic hothouse flowers.

15 July

BeOS and Sports Update
Following yesterday's exposure of the role the BeOS played in the World Cup, several sources have contacted Be Dope editors about how the BeOS has played a role in their sports organizations.

Examples include several NFL teams who warm up their players with a half-hour of Nerdkill before every game, major league baseball pitchers who use the modeling and imaging power of the BeOS to develop custom isometric excercies and NASCAR drivers using secretly-developed 3D BeOS driving simulators to hone their skills.

It is even rumored that Yankees owner George Steinbrenner hired and fired Be, Inc. CEO Jean-Louis Gasée on the same day.

14 July, 5.40pm edt

The French Connection: BeOS And The World Cup
There have been many theories advanced for France's unexpected performance throughout the World Cup, which led to their eventual victory. However, few have connected a few key facts, that when put together point to an explanation of France's victory that is too obvious to ignore. Let's look at some of these facts:

Be, Inc. CEO and alleged Frenchman Jean-Louis Gassée spent most of his years in France before settling down in Menlo Park, CA at Be headquarters. He maintains close ties with many of his former countrymen and often can be heard praising the beauty of France (usually in the area of wines and cheeses).

Be Europe Headquarters is conveniently located in Paris, France.

Early BeOS documentation often used futbol/soccer terminology to describe technical function of the then-unnamed OS.

Jean-Louis Gassée left on a "business trip" to France just before the World Cup was to begin. This "business" kept Gassée out of contact with almost anyone, and he did not author a Be Newsletter article.

During the World Cup, players on the French team were seen in the vicinity of Be Europe HQ with great frequency. According to several sources, some players were reporting to Be Europe HQ regularly months before the World Cup.

Listening closely to the tapes of the game, you can hear players from the French team shouting to "switch workspaces," "spawn another thread" and "route the next play via Terminal".

Several computers running the BeOS were allegedly discovered hidden beneath the French team's benches.

In light of this evidence, it is reasonable to suggest the BeOS was developed as a tool in Gassée's conspiracy to dominate the World Cup. Exactly how the BeOS came into play is a matter of much speculation. Some report the BeOS was simply used as an advanced analysis and modeling tool - studying strategies and developing individualized practice and game strategies devised to exploit otherwise unseen weaknesses in other players and teams. Other suggest the athletes themselves were "BeOS enhanced" - implanted with specialized miniaturized BeOS computers that interfaced with their optic nerve and central nervous system to improve reaction time and probability analysis.

French officials have dismissed these theories as "spurious". Gassée could not be reached for comment. Rumor has it Gassée will remain as CEO of Be, Inc., despite achieving his true goal of securing a French victory in the World Cup.

13 July, 5.55pm edt

FDA Attempts To Regulate BeOS
According to recent memos leaked from the United States Food and Drug Administration (FDA), there is a raging internal debate concerning regulating the BeOS as a controlled substance.

"The BeOS is powerful, is addictive and certainly gives a rush to its users," argued an FDA employee. "Studies show that after using the BeOS for even a short amount of time makes it difficult for test subjects to re-adjust to their previous operating system of choice."

"What we see here is not an addiction, but simply a recognition of superior technology," countered another FDA official. "No one likes to return to a slower, less efficient way of doing things after experiencing cutting-edge power. This is not addiction - it is common sense."

Under one draft of an FDA plan, usage of the BeOS would be strictly controlled by physicians, who would prescribe limited amounts of time on the BeOS for those in the media-creation field, or those driven to violence by shortcomings of other operating systems. Users would then be forced to return to a previous operating system, before the power of the BeOS made this impossible.

Opponents of the plan point out those using the BeOS exhibit no negative physical or mental effects stemming from extended use. In fact, users become happier and more productive.

If you don't want to see the BeOS regulated, email them at this address: wmail@bangate.fda.gov. Let them know that you have not turned into a raging psycopath since becoming "addicted" to the BeOS.