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Article Archive - 6 July - 10 July, 1998

10 July, 12.22pm edt

Baby Left On Be's Doorstep
A source inside Be, Inc. reports a newborn baby, wrapped warmly in blankets and tucked snugly into a basket was found on the doorstep of Be Headquarters today.

Left with the baby was a supply of diapers and food, and a note from parents "seeking a better life" for their child.

"Please do not think us horrible parents," read the tear-stained note. "We love our little girl deeply, and are seeking a better life for her in the only way we know how. We want her raised in a world free of software bloat, inefficient code, FUD and vaporware. Already, we are both too far trapped in such a world to escape for the sake of our child. We cannot break the cycle, so we ask you raise our girl so that she may know a better world."

Be, Inc. has reportedly decided to adopt the child, but has no official comments at this time. Rumors have it there is a fierce debate about what to name the baby girl, but the leading candidates are "Brie" and "Lara".

9 July, 5.45pm edt

UPN Writers Replaced By BeOS
A rumor is circulating throughout the television industry that the entire staff of the UPN "network" sitcom writers have been fired and replaced by a single computer with an Internet connection and the BeOS.

"It certainly seems feasible," said one anonymous emailer. "The BeOS is fresh and new. A single BeOS computer stringing together humor found on the Internet using an expert system based on rules developed back in the day of Mary Tyler Moore can no doubt put together funnier scripts for the entire UPN sitcom line than what we've been seeing. And in a fraction of the time, to boot."

UPN representatives were not available for comment at press time.

8 July, 11.57pm edt

Steve Jobs Surprises Everybody With "bMac"
Apple, Inc. "interim" CEO Steve Jobs, whose aggressive tactics are the subject of much speculation in the computer industry, nonetheless surprised everybody as his Macworld Expo keynote in New York City introduced a new technology into Apple's strategy: the BeOS.

In a shocking move, Jobs announced customers ordering the much-hyped iMac computer would have the choice of installing the MacOS or the BeOS, or both. An iMac with the BeOS inside will officially be known as a "bMac".

While the BeOS will run on many PowerPC systems, Apple has prevented it from running on newer G3-based Macintoshes by refusing to share the specifications of the G3 motherboard with Be, Inc.

"It is true I consider the iMac my baby," said Jobs. "And sometimes, parents must put aside past differences and personal prejudices and do what is best for the children. I see the BeOS as the best possible thing that could happen to my little iMac."

When Be, Inc. CEO Jean-Louis Gassée then came on stage and received the G3 motherboard specifications from Jobs, there was not a dry eye in the auditorium.

"It's wonderful to see two people put aside their problems and focus on the next generation," said one spectator.

Be projects the BeOS will be ready to run on iMacs shipping in late August.

"Parenthood is insanely great," added an emotional Jobs.

7 July, 5.32pm edt

BeOS Recovery Software Released
Recover, Inc. has announced a beta version of its new BeOS emergency recovery software will soon be available for download. Originally formed to program emergency data recovery tools for the BeOS, Recover, Inc. has since changed its focus slightly.

"After extensive testing we found that there was virtually no market for data recovery tools for the BeOS," said Recover, Inc. CEO George Bower. "The fact is, the BeOS' stability and 64-bit journaling file system make traditional data recovery tools superfluous. "

Bower refocused his company to use the power of the BeOS to enable other types of emergency recovery operations. The first product based on this new strategy, SockSaver, will soon be available in beta form. SockSaver works with the BeOS to recover socks lost while doing laundry.

"As the scientific community has proven, nearly all instances of socks lost during the laundering process can be traced to sub-spatial rifts in the fabric of space time," explained Bower. "These rifts are created by contra-harmonic magnetic fields caused by a combination of a dryer's spin rate, vibration frequency and static electricity levels."

SockSaver, installed on a computer running the BeOS and connected to an offending dryer can reproduce the conditions necessary to cause a rift while simultaneously reversing the ion field flow - a process considered impossible before the advent of the BeOS' ability to multi-process CPU intensive tasks reliably.

"The lost socks are pushed along the negative ion field flow until they are safely returned from the ninth dimension to the BeOS-enabled dryer," reported Bower.

Development on the controversial technology was nearly halted when a group of commandos raided and bombed the Recover, Inc. research labs. Although the bombers were never captured by the authorities, some eyewitness reports placed international sock super-power Fruit of the Loom agents at the scene. Fortunately, Recover, Inc. data was mirrored on a remote site.

Although Fruit of the Loom spokespeople deny any knowledge of the attack, industry experts are quick to point out they suffer enormous financial loss if people were able to recover lost socks instead of being forced to purchase new pairs.

If SockSaver proves successful, Recover, Inc. has plans to develop programs to recover lost car keys, virginity and lost youth.

6 July, 11.57pm edt

BAM Strikes Macworld
Members of the Be Advancement Movement (BAM), an extremist group of Be enthusiasts struck today during the Macworld Expo at the Jacob Javits Center in New York City.

During the recent PC Expo, members of BAM gained access to the innards of the convention center and planted over 20,000 balloons high in the rafters. The balloons all read "Free the G3 Specs!".

"While the BeOS runs on many Power Macintosh systems, it is not compatible with the newer G3 models because Apple will not share the technical specifications of the G3 motherboards with Be," explained a BAM spokesperson in a prepared statement. "While the BeOS will still advance on other hardware platforms, we'd like to people be free to install it on as many computers as possible."

The balloons were released at 11.04am edt. The expo was disrupted to the point where convention center officials were forced to close the expo for the remainder of the day.

"We at Be, Inc. certainly do not endorse nor condone this sort of behavior," said Be, Inc. CEO Jean-Louis Gassée. "However we may or may not find it quite amusing."

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