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Article Archive - 22 June to 26 June, 1998

26 June, 11.45pm edt

New York City's Museum of Modern Art (MOMA) today announced they will begin showcasing an exhibit centered around the BeOS.

"We feel the BeOS transcends its role as a superior operating system and is a work of art in and of itself," said Chloe Winters, MOMA spokesperson.

The BeOS "living sculpture" will include actual artists, videographers, writers, producers, musicians and office workers using the revolutionary operating system to perform their work.

"The exhibit reveals the shortest path between creative thought and expression of that thought is the BeOS," explained Winters.

Visitors to MOMA may purchase BeOS R3.1 at the gift shop at a special promotional price.

"We don't mind if we lose some money if we help bring art to the world," added Winters.

25 June, 3.52pm edt

9 Out Of Every 10 Dentists Choose BeOS
"My dad's a Dentist, and he recommends the BeOS," begins an advertisement leaked to Be Dope by sources within the American Dental Association (ADA). The ad is part of a campaign promoting the BeOS organized and funded by the American dental industry.

"They have a two-pronged strategy," reported the anonymous source. "First, to eliminate damage caused by Windows-induced teeth-grinding. Second, to promote smiling (thereby showing off clean healthy teeth) through use of the BeOS."

According to statistics leaked along with the commercials, anxiety caused by using and maintaining Windows systems is one of the leading causes of stress-induced teeth-grinding. Since many people currently use or support Windows on a day-to-day basis, the ADA believes reducing the use of Windows will lead to a significant reduction in the amouth of teeth damaged due to excessive grinding.

The same statistics reveal that people smiled more when using the BeOS than when using any other operating system. The ADA believes seeing a clean, healthy smile promotes good oral hygiene.

Dentists were early adopters of the BeOS, taking advantage of its precision and speed to control dental drills in delicate operations.

24 June, 4.45pm edt

Popemobile Goes BeOS
You can add Pope John Paul II, leader of the worldwide Roman Catholic religious organization, to the growing list of BeOS developers. His Holiness' preference of operating systems was revealed when he ordered Vatican engineers to outfit the Popemobile with an onboard computer running the BeOS.

The Pope hopes the BeOS-outfitted Popemobile will serve as a "mobile office" - allowing him to catch up on work when en route to and from destinations.

"I don't know if anyone else has noticed this, but whenever I go on the road there are inevitably huge traffic jams," said the Pope. "About all I could do was wave at people, and that gets pretty old after about ten minutes. Now at least I can get some work done, or kick back with a game of Nerdkill."

The Pope is reportedly working on programming several applications for the BeOS, including one for automating the damning of sinners, fornicators and others condemned to Hell according to rules set forth by the Holy Bible. There is no word yet if the program (Damn-It 1.0) will be made available to the public on BeWare.

However, much of the Pope's time is taken up dealing with a huge volume of email.

"I get a lot of email asking me to bless things," explained the Pope. "Although the majority of email is from people curious about my hat."

While installing the BeOS computer into the Popemobile, Vatican engineers took the opportunity to add a 5 CD-changer, overhead lifters, and genuine imitation leather seats.

23 June, 3.18pm edt

All Be, All The Time
Mtv Networks announced today the creation of a new cable channel: Btv. This station will serve as a sister station to Mtv, and revolve around the BeOS.

"With the launch of Mtv, we established ourselves on the cutting-edge of the music industry," said an Mtv spokesperson. "But let's face it, we've been having a lot of trouble coming up with anything cutting edge in the restrictive Mtv format. So Btv was born."

Btv will present all-digital, electronically created music and videos. All hosts will be computer-generated VJs.

"Let me be clear and state that the VJs and other 'people' presented on Btv, although computer-generated, will still be scantily-clad, outrageous and totally hip," asserted the Mtv spokesperson.

Along with the music and videos, several shows are in the works for Btv. One candidate is "The BeOS Real World" - where several BeOS-generated bots from radically different programmers will be forced to inhabit and interact in the same BeBox.

Btv will be offered as an optional, non-premium channel. Contact your cable company say, "I want my Btv!"

22 June, 5.05pm edt

BAM Strikes Cupertino Icon Garden
While some nostalgics still grieved over the loss of Apple's famous "Icon Garden" (a collection of sculptures depicting the original Macintosh icons ), others took the opportunity to promote the BeOS.

In one of their most visible and daring operations ever, members of BAM (Be Advancement Movement), an organization of BeOS extremists, struck at Apple HQ. Posing as Apple employees and working in broad daylight, they invaded the empty Icon Garden and installed brand-new giant icon sculptures - taken directly from the BeOS.

Residents and travelers delighted in the new sculptures, which included the "Tracker Dog", "Net Positive Surfer", "PoorMan", the actually functional "Clock", "Pulse", "Terminal" and a kinetic "Teapot".

Apple employees were alerted to the caper after several Cupertino residents called the Apple offices to compliment them on the new sculptures. Upon investigation, amused city officials were called in to remove the compelling sculptures.

"ARRRRRRGHHHHH," commented Apple interim CEO Steve Jobs when informed about the invasion.

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