Be Dope - 15 June to 19 June, 1998

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Article Archive - 15 June to 19 June, 1998

19 June, 11.35am edt

Previously Unknown Power Infused In All Be Products
This report was received from BDopeThread id # 38

"We all know BeOS has been known to bring out the best in hardware. I mean, come on, playing 6 quicktime movies on the faces of a cube, spinning a GL Teapot, and listening to your favorite mp3, all while obliterating high scores in 640x480 Acid Tetris really makes your PPC or x86 box shine. Until now we have attributed it entirely to the ingenuity and coding abilities of the myriad of programmers employed by Be, Inc. Scientists believe they have discovered another source. After careful study they have found that when the BeOS CD, User Guide, Be Developer Guide, and, inexplicably, printed copies of Be's web pages are ground into a fine powder, dissolved in water and applied to a common surfaces, the solution will shine, sparkle and outperform Rembrandt, Pledge, Windex, 2000 Flushes and any other cleaning/polishing solution tested. It is hypothesized that the dedication of each and every Be employee is infused with all that comes out of Be, Inc. This infusion in turn is the source of the "Unidentified Buffing Power" (UBF).

A Be spokesperson would not comment on this discovery, although he was allegedly heard muttering something about "being surface agnostic" and "results may vary".

If this discovery proves to be true, it could go a long way in explaining the negative energy of other operating systems coded by employees who do not truly believe in what they are creating.

18 June, 10.30pm edt

Be In Vogue
This email in from the ever-popular anonymous yet reliable source:

"I have been involved in the music industry for many years. The latest buzz going around the last party is that Madonna, having seen the power of BeOS, has chosen Jean-Louis [Gassée] as the father of her next child. She is rumored to have said 'I chose the first one for looks - now it's time to try for brains.' She was certain that she could locate Jean-Louis while he was in New York for PC Expo simply by following the trail of stunned waiters in elegant local restaurants."

According to several Be employees at the expo, Gassée returned from his Wednesday night city outing in the early hours of Thursday morning, "dazed, confused but unmistakably happy."

17 June, 8.33pm edt

Be Defies Norms At PC Expo
The Be Booth at PC Expo has been drawing overflow crowds for the past two days. This is not unusual - at PC Expo, drawing crowds is the name of the game. However, Be Inc. has gone against traditional conventions by drawing them based on technical merit alone.

"Quite frankly, this trend alarms me," said an Iomega spokesperson, whose booth was adorned with two scantily-clad women specifically hired for their ability to look pretty. "Here, I have spent good money on some stunningly attractive booth babes, and Be is drawing twice the crowd I am on the basis of their product alone."

Be's unique strategy consisted of showing of the incredible power of the BeOS on large monitors facing the aisles. This would attract the attention of expo attendees passing by, and soon an aisle-clogging crowd would form and marvel at the power and capabilities of the BeOS highlighted in the demo.

Once the demo was completed, viewers were invited to come inside the Be Booth, meet with vendors and the Be team and receive informational handouts about the BeOS. Be again defied tradition by not giving out any useless trinkets and opting instead to distribute useful information. The strategy was a success, judging by the sardine-like conditions inside the booth all day.

"I'm stunned that they are drawing that kind of crowd, and they're not even giving away any hats, tshirts or stuffed animals," said a Novell representative. "Dammit, we're giving away a car and we're not getting their volume of traffic."

Iomega and Novell are allegedly considering combining forces and raffling off the booth babes in an effort to increase traffic on Thursday, the final day of the expo.

16 June, 10.04am edt

Jean-Louis Gassée On TV
Be, Inc. CEO Jean-Louis Gassée will appear on "The Late Show With David Letterman" this week to promote the appearance of the BeOS at New York's PC Expo. "Letterman" is produced and taped in New York City. In honor of the event, Letterman's famous Top Ten List will revolve around the BeOS. Be Dope spies inside the Ed Sullivan Theatre have obtained this early draft:

Top Ten Signs Be Is In NYC

Number 10
Bill Gates attempts to poison the water supply with Windows 98

Number 9
Sudden severe shortage of French wine and cheese

Number 8
Goodbye "What's your sign"; Hello, "What's your MIME type"

Number 7
Jacob Javits Center more crowded than the subways at rush hour

Number 6
Flasher attempts to show you his "Expander"

Number 5
Everywhere you look: rotating teapots

Number 4
"Learning the bash shell" hits #1 on the NY Times Bestseller List

Number 3
86% reduction rate in computer-frustration related homicides

Number 2
Street vendors introduce "Multi-Threaded Hot Dogs"

And the Number 1 Sign Be is in NYC:
Your nipples are hard!

15 June, 10.45am edt

Be-ing and Nothingness
Jean- Paul Sartre is known as one of the most important twentieth century philosophers for the original brand of existentialism he formulated and popularized. His creations include Being and Nothingness, NoExit and now, Jean-Paul Sartre's Existential BeOS Icon Action Pack.

Although officially reported dead in 1980, many believe Sartre simply went into hiding to escape the public eye. And, according to an email received by Sartre himself, he has become an obsessive BeOS user. That's why he created the icon pack, and decided to end his self-imposed exile from society.

"The BeOS enables creative freedom on a scale far beyond anything that has come before," wrote Sartre. "This is just the beginning."

Sartre will have a demo station in the Be booth at PC Expo this week.