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Article Archive - 26 May to 29 May, 1998

29 May, 2.30pm edt

BeOS: Relief From The Heat
As temperatures topped 90 degrees fahrenheit in New York City today and ozone warnings were issued, Be Dope's editors noticed a strange phenomenon: instead of being unbearably hot and humid, the Be Dope offices were cool and comfortable.

Attempting to trace the cool air to its source led to only one possible solution: the BeOS was so cool it was projecting outward and altering the environment itself.

"As fantastic as it sounds, it is true," I reportedly said. "By moving computers running the BeOS to different locations and rooms, shutting them down and performing other highly scientific tests, we have established beyond a doubt the BeOS is cool several orders of magnitude beyond all other existing cool technology."

While the term 'cool' has been used to describe new and revolutionary technology for decades, this is the first recorded case of an object's coolness physically extending beyond the object itself.

The coolness also seems to be related to the tasks the BeOS is performing. While the BeOS itself was sufficient to cool an office, it took the BeOS running four movies simultaneously to cool a larger kitchen area.

"I cranked it up to six movies at first, but that made it way too cold in the kitchen," said a Be Dope employee. "I could almost see my breath. Four movies makes it comfortable but not too chilly."

While widely accepted as a scientific breakthrough with many possibilities, some have expressed concern over the "coolness" of the BeOS.

"Since the BeOS will become more popular and widespread as time goes on, we have to wonder what the consequences of the 'cool factor' will be," explained Dr. Eric Scott of the Environmental Protection Agency. "If enough people worldwide adopt the BeOS, the resulting coolness might thrust us into a premature ice age."

Equatorial countries have expressed little regard for this possibility, and have been ordering the BeOS in droves since the discovery was made public earlier today.

28 May, 11.53am edt

New In The Be Dope Book Bazaar
The Be Dope Book Bazaar has been updated with over a dozen new books. Along with Be-specific books, find info on C++ programming, porting programs from UNIX to the BeOS, OpenGL and User Interface design. And just for fun, we've included The First 20 Million Is Always the Hardest and Barbarians Led By Bill Gates.

Tentative BeOS Advertising Slogans
Although Be currently has no advertising budget for traditional ad campaigns, a source deep inside Be Inc. has informed Be Dope of possible advertising plans once BeOS R4 begins to ship. According to the source, the following slogans and catch-phrases are being considered by the executives at Be:

  • Defying the Laws Of Physics Since 1996
  • BeOS: Why Crash Every Few Minutes?
  • "Float Like a Butterfly, Sting Like a Bee"
  • We're Not Based On DOS Technology
  • We Make Your Machine Scream and Your Nipples Hard
  • The BeOS: We Swear You Won't Have Any Extensions Conflicts
  • The Revolution Will Be BMessaged
  • Be: The Viagra of Operating Systems
  • We Have A Version of Tetris
  • Get Work Done. Get a Life. Get Be.
  • Be: A Powerful OS. No Hidden Agenda For World Domination.
  • So Fast, You'll Finish Work Before You Start
  • At Be, We Don't Charge $109 For Bug Fixes
  • Enjoy Using Your Computer Again
  • BeOS: We Kick Ass!
If you have any ideas for BeOS slogans, be sure to send them in.

27 May, 11.45am edt

Tip For College Applicants: Mention BeOS
A Be Dope investigation has revealed that over 95% of college applicants who mention the BeOS in their college entrance applications or during their entrance interviews are accepted to the college of their choice. About 68% of those accepted go on to receive full or partial scholarships.

"When I see a student is involved with the BeOS - whether it be through programming, running a BeOS-related website, or even just as an end user - they immediately go to the top of my list," said Roland M. Allen, Associate Director of Admissions for the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT). "Any association with the BeOS tells me that this is the kind of forward-thinking student we want here at MIT."

According to future Harvard student Edward Corvaly, the BeOS was the deciding factor in his acceptance to the prestigious university.

"I had the grades; I had the extra-curricular activities; I had connections - but the same can be said for just about everyone who applies to Harvard," said Corvaly. "I had a decent interview, but the interviewer had one of those 'Well, this is nothing new; nothing I haven't seen before' looks on his face. Then, I happened to mention a programming project I was working on for the BeOS, and his eyes blazed with excitement. The interview took a different turn after that, and I was accepted and granted a partial scholarship, private dorm room, new car and a personal secretary."

"We look for free-thinkers, visionaries and the like here at Oxford," explained Jane A. Minto, Secretary, Oxford Colleges Admissions Office. "The people who gravitate to the BeOS are invariably those who will be leading the world in the next century."

"Simply stated, BeOS users rock," said one professor on condition of anonymity.

26 May, 10.45am edt

Former Be Employee Spreads The Word In Mexico
Be Dope's recently launched spy satellite (code-named Birdseye), armed with BeOS-optimized image recognition algorithms borrowed from the NSA, snapped this picture at Isla Mujeres, off the coast of Cancun, Mexico.

(click thumbnail for larger image)

Investigation revealed the captain, known only as "Jose" to those in Mexico, is none other than Joseph Palmer, former Director of Hardware engineering at Be, Inc. He built the ultra-hip BeBox.

According to local reports, Palmer has been sailing up and down the Mexican coast, bringing with him copies of the BeOS and giving demos that scare small children.

Palmer has become something of a folk hero to the locals, and he has been praised in story and song.

"Wherever Jose visits, he brings the wonderful BeOS with him," said one local. "This is always cause for a fiesta, as we know the BeOS will ease our workload."

A wide area network of BeBoxen now connects towns and villages along the Mexican coastline.

"It used to take days to contact other villages to transact business or keep in touch with a loved one," gushed a grateful new BeOS user. "Now with BeMail and BeBlurbs, contact is immediate. Life is much better in Mexico thanks to Jose and the BeOS."

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