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Article Archive - 27 April to 1 May, 1998

1 May, 2.45pm edt

Gates to BeOS: You're Too Powerful
Internal Microsoft documents obtained by Be Dope reveal Bill Gates referred to the BeOS as "far more powerful and efficient than Windows" during top-secret meetings between Gates and Be executives.

Gates met with Be executives after coming under investigation by the United States Department of Justice for possible violations of antitrust laws. Gates was considering licensing the BeOS in the event the DOJ somehow prevented future versions of Windows from shipping.

According to an internal Microsoft memo, after viewing some demos and talking with several key Be engineers and executives, Gates ruled out the possibility of using the BeOS:

"This [the BeOS] technology is far too advanced and powerful to present to Windows users. If people realize that such an incredible OS can be created by a handful of people, they will realize what little work we have done in exchange for the great sums of money we have all but extorted from them. There would be lynchings in Redmond, and my futuristic house would most likely be set ablaze by outraged end users weilding torches and pitchforks."
Be Inc. CEO John-Louis Gassée; admits the meetings took place, but denied there was any chance Be would have sold anything to Microsoft.

"Really, we just wanted to see the look on Gates' face when we opened six movies simultaneously, toggled processors on and off and ran the rest of our demo," Gassée explained, grinning. "It was priceless."

30 April, 10.50am edt
Balance Of Power Shifts In High-Stakes Poker Game
In a development that affects every computer user on earth, a friendly poker game among computer industry leaders turned into a high-stake game of chance that forever altered the computer industry.

One of the biggest hands went to Be Inc. CEO John-Louis Gassée, who won the technical specifications to Apple's G3 processor, Windows NT and a commitment from several hardware vendors to write BeOS drivers for their products.

After he won the hand, Gassée revealed he had been bluffing with a pair of threes. Gassée had bet much of the BeOS source code, his private collection of French wines and five Be employees.

Apple "interim" CEO Steve Jobs watched in horror when he bet the RhapsodyOS and then saw his Full House beaten by a Royal Flush.

Jobs made a quick comeback, winning WebTV and the source code for Windows98, which he promptly destroyed.

Microsoft CEO Bill Gates was dealt another blow as Netscape won the right to have Mozilla pre-installed and the default browser for all Microsoft products.

"I knew I never should have engaged in any sort of game of skill," Bill Gates reportedly said.

As the result of other hands, Apple will no longer use the "Burning Bunnies" commercial, Microsoft can no longer mess with Java, Intel will adopt the snail as its official logo, Microsoft Office will go open source, the BeOS will be pre-installed on all Dell and Compaq machines, and Microsoft must mention Linux as a free alternative to Windows in all of its press releases.

29 April, 11.38am edt
Be Employee Takes A Nap
In a rare occurrence, a Be employee yesterday went home and took a nap - sleeping for nearly five hours straight without interruption.

"He has not slept for more than five minutes at a time in over three months," said Be Inc. CEO John-Louis Gassée. "I was happy to see him finally decide to get some rest."

On average, Be employees sleep 1.7 hours in every 24 hour period. This is often in the form of "catnaps" taken while at their desks, in the elevator, or eating lunch.

"Normally, such a situation would produce disastrous effects," said Dr. Stephen Graves, Director of the New York City Sleep Institute. "Physical breakdowns, dizziness - all the usual effects of extended sleep deprivation simply are not present in the people at Be."

"Sleep is not really a priority around here," said one Be employee. "There's a lot that has to be done."

Even while sleeping, Be employees make productive use of the time.

"Basically, the entire framework for the Be file system was revealed to me by a talking emu in a dream I had while sleeping under my desk one night," said Be's Dominic Giampaolo. "I quickly woke myself up and coded out the details."

Surprisingly, Be employees have more energy than employees of other operating system companies where employees enjoy six to eight hours of sleep per night.

"Our theory," explained Dr. Graves, "is that Be employees are able to function on such little sleep because they actually have a strong belief in the product they are developing. This seems to cancel out any harmful effects."

"I have to wonder why anyone would choose sleep over working with the BeOS," added a Be employee.

28 April, 10.30am edt
BeOS Factoid Central
Be Dope presents a handful of BeOS factoids that you can use to amaze your friends and obfuscate your enemies.

Did you know that...

  • in ancient Phonecian, the word "BeOS" means "one who eats corn while dancing"?

  • Robin Williams is the only human alive who can speak all the advantages of the BeOS in one thirty second commercial?

  • Be Inc. CEO John-Louis Gassée sleeps suspended upside down by gravity boots?

  • the song "virtual (void) " (located in the /optional/sound/ directory of the BeOS R3 CD) has hit the top of the charts in Slovakia, Iceland and Wyoming, but has been banned in Estonia?

  • BeOS machines living in the wild are 17% faster than domestic BeOS machines?

  • the Walt Disney company (owner of ABC television and Microsoft partner) cancelled the sitcom Ellen because she wanted her character to "come out of the closet" as a BeOS user?

  • Be engineers took an African safari to study the grace and speed of antelopes while designing the BeOS?

  • 78% of BeOS Intel users find it superior to Windows (and the other 22% don't remember what Windows is)?

  • you can tell a symbolic link apart from an actual object by the light underline that appears under a symlink's name?

  • a newborn yak is called a yaklet and usually arrives in a litter of 30 or more? (src: NZT)
27 April, 10.40am edt
BeOS Delayed Release Of Windows 98
Recently, Microsoft has begun to deny it ever said Windows 98 would be shipping to consumers in June of this year. Sources inside Microsoft have revealed a key reason for the latest delay in the release of Windows 98: the BeOS.

"We were all set to push this thing out the door when we received the BeOS R3 CDs for, umm, evaluation," said one employee. "After seeing what the BeOS could do, we knew we wanted to make a few changes to Windows inspired by the BeOS."

Microsoft is known as an innovator in the area of stealing or buying technological breakthroughs from other companies, mangling them almost beyond recognition and usefulness, and incorporating them into the Windows OS and other Microsoft products.

"We were quite impressed with the BeOS, as will be quite obvious by some of the latest features of Windows (hopefully) 98. Of course, we will make no mention of the BeOS in any way, unless it is to scorn them," our source reported.

Microsoft had no comment at this time, but promised one would be shipping by June, 1998. Probably.

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