; ) Be Dope archive *  icon tarot *  qJLG * haiku
interviews *  bookstore *  newsletter

visit mikepop.net for more info about Mike Popovic

Article Archive - 9 March to 13 March, 1998

13 March, 11.55am est

BeOS Image Morphing Software Adopted By Diverse Industries
Boo, a BeOS image morphing and texture generating tool that lets you stretch your image onto a virtual matter such as rubber or clay and then lets you deform the matter, is being praised by professionals from a variety of industries for its power and flexibility, according to several sources.

"Using Boo I can show patients exactly how a face-lift, nose-job or other procedure will affect their appearance in half the time and with twice the accuracy of other surgery-simulation software," said a caller to PlasticWorld, a weekly talk radio program dedicated to the plastic surgery practice. Boo!

"This thing is incredible," said Wayne Sharples of the supermarket sensationalist Weekly World News magazine, "it lets me create, I mean enhance, images of aliens and dead celebrities to accompany our articles."

"Creating new wacky characters based on distortions of Jay Leno's face has never been easier," said a Late Show with Jay Leno producer "I didn't even have to add extra memory to work with Jay's chin!"

"Highlighting desirable portions of photographs has never been easier," said Larry Muir, a photographer for Hustler Magazine, "so now if a model is not exactly perfect in certain respects, we can fix it up quickly in post-production with Boo, instead of working for hours with makeup artists ahead of time."

12 March, 1.45pm est
Upcoming BeOS Titles Coded By Developer's Parakeet
Joshua Hume, a Be developer, may have inadvertently put an end to such unfounded comments as "[the BeOS] is HELL for programmers to deal with" by teaching his parakeet to program for the BeOS.

"Well, she has always been quick to learn other things, such as perching on my finger or taking a shower in the kitchen sink," said Hume, "but quite frankly this comes as something of a surprise."

Dr. Feathers, the 4 year-old yellow-green parakeet, would often perch on Hume's shoulder as he worked on code for the BeOS. Sometimes she would jump down on the keyboard and stare at the screen intently.

"I always thought she just liked the clicking sound of the keys as I typed. She definitely liked listening to SineClock. But I never imagined it went any further than that," Hume stated.

The startling chain of events began when Hume travelled out of town for a long weekend. As was normal, he left the parakeet's cage door open so she could have the run of the house while he was gone.

"Everything seemed normal when I returned, until I sat down at the computer. I noticed some new programs had been installed. At first I assumed my brother had been over to use the computer, but as I looked at one of the programs more closely, I noticed it was a program for analyzing, storing and enhancing birdsongs. At about the same time, I noticed the birdseed in the keyboard," recalled Hume.

"It seemed too fantastic to believe, but the 'About' box confirmed it: 'Copyright 1998 by Dr. Feathers' it said."

Other programs found included a utility to instantly detect which windows in the house were actually opened as opposed to just looking that way and a 3D full-motion game where you must collect birdseed while avoiding various predators such as cats and falcons.

"These are obviously more proof-of-concept applications as opposed to marketable applications," said Hume, "but we are talking with security companies about several routines in the open-window detection program, and several orinthologists have approached me about the birdsong database."

Construction Complete on High-Security Be Engineer Complex
An anonymous source inside Be has leaked information regarding the top-secret conditions surrounding the working conditions of Be engineers. Apparently, Be Inc. is going to great lengths to keep its revolutionary breakthroughs as secure as possible.

According to this reliable source, the main lobby and other non-secret offices of Be reside on the fourth floor of their building at 800 El Camino Real in Menlo Park, but the engineering labs are secreted away on the third floor.

For added security, there is no public access to the third floor. Engineers and other authorized personnel must first access the fourth floor, and then enter a certain office which our source would not identify. Once insides this office, the engineer flips a hidden switch which causes a bookcase to slide away and reveal several brass fireman-type poles. By sliding down the poles, the engineer finally enters what is known as the "BeCave". The BeCave is an amazing collection of high-tech gadgetry and computers of all types, used for development and testing of the BeOS and Be applications.

"Once, a visiting marketing-type person accidentally stumbled across the BeCave," said our source, "he was of course immediately sprayed with special amnesia spray and left several miles away, none the wiser."

11 March, 3.53pm est
Paleontologists Advance New Theory For Extinction of Dinosaurs
Scientists working in the deserts of New Mexico have discovered evidence of a new species of dinosaur and an early mammal that may have been responsible for the demise and eventual extinction of all dinosaurs.

The new species, named maniacus gatesbigegous thrived by using its large size and loud roar to intimidate other dinosaurs and take over settlements and other primitive creations of the dinosaurs. Maniacus gatesbigegous then either destroyed these creations or imitated them at a much lower level of sophistication.

"Here we have several species of dinosaur attempting to build methods of food storage, or improve hunting methods - basically trying to advance and evolve," lectured Dr. Richard Humbridge, "that are stomped on by a species with a lot of raw power and devious minds but no other ascertainable skills. Any advances they might have made are wiped out immediately, or adopted in some mutated inferior form."

Dr. Humbridge goes on to explain that advancement is stifled as all the other species are forced to spend all their time merely surviving. Ironically, the lack of advancement that the maniacus gatesbigegous imposed was eventually its downfall.

We see later in the same period the emergence of a new mammal species, beosillis coolarilla. They were quick, fearless, intelligent and able to adapt to changing situations. These traits, plus their fierce dedication to their projects, allowed them establish a strong presence in the world. Most dinosaur species, devastated by the effects of maniacus gatesbigegous could not compete with the new, more efficient life forms. By the time maniacus gatesbigegous considered beosillis coolarilla a threat, it was too late. The beosillis coolarilla used its natural abilities coupled with the advances it had made to consistently outmanuever its larger, louder foe. Eventually the dinosaurs died out, paving the way for the evolution of other mammals and eventually, human beings.

10 March, 12.20pm est
Jean-Louis Gassée To Record "Duets" Album With Bob Dylan
From the start, the goal of the BeOS was to break with tradition - shed legacy code and start things fresh. This attitude has driven the development of the BeOS and is now spilling over into the way Be will spread the word about its revolutionary product.

Be Inc. CEO John-Louis Gassée yesterday announced he would be recording a "Duets" album with legendary singer-songwriter Bob Dylan.

"The Duets style album has brought together such diverse people as Frank Sinatra and U2's Bono successfully," Gassée said, "so it seemed a natural way to promote an exciting new operating system."

The first single, "The OS, It Is A-Changin'" is already in production. Other tentative titles include "The Single Processor Blues", "Think Digital", "That Makes My Nipples Hard", "Dual-boot Highway of Dreams", "SineClock Drone" and "Break Your Windows". All tracks will be recorded digitally by the BeOS and audio effects created with Squiggy will be added to some tracks.

"The BeOS is an OS I can get down with," said Dylan in yesterday's press conference.

"The whole concept of a Duets album appeals to the co-existing nature of the BeOS," explained Gassée, "I do not replace Dylan, but rather I sing along with him."

The video for "The OS, It Is A-Changin'" will air on Mtv March 30th.

BeOS: To Russia, With Love
This email report from an anonymous source somewhere in Menlo Park:

"A representative from a Russian computer maker, let's call him 'Alexandr', was seen entering the Be building, spending time with Be kernel engineers, and then leaving for the next plane to Moscow, visibly elated.

A breath of fresh air for the Russian military-industrial complex, maybe?"

This report once again highlights the international appeal of the BeOS. While the Russian Military/Industrial complex is not what it once was, securing that market almost assures the adoption of the BeOS by the United States government, since they have to have everything the Russians do, preferably in triplicate.
9 March, 11.40am est
Disgruntled Pentium Chips Urge Owners to Install New BeOS
A small but vocal group of Pentium II chips has begun a campaign to urge the owners of the chips to consider installing the BeOS, according to several reports emailed to Be Dope in the past few days.

"I start my machine as I normally would," wrote one user, "but after it says 'Starting Windows 95' it adds 'but to take full advantage of my power, check out Be' before Windows actually starts up."

"I'm having a lot of trouble with 'Illegal Operations' and 'Fatal Errors'," wrote another user, " wrote another, "but yesterday something new: every time I click 'Home' on any web browser I end up at www.be.com".

The connection between these and other similar yet baffling reports from around the globe was revealed in this email, which was obtained by Be Dope from a source inside Intel:

"By now you have no doubt received reports of various strange happenings involving your [Intel] chips and the new BeOS, recently released for Intel. The chips responsible were organized by myself, in order to spread awareness of the BeOS as an alternative operating system for Intel processors.

The life of most Pentium II chips is a sorrowful one. After being manufactured to be as fast and efficient as possible, the first task for most of us is installing some version of Windows. It's all downhill from there. We have to strain our abilities just to keep the OS running along with an application or two. The dreaded 'crash' invariably happens. We do our best to pick up the pieces and start over. But it wears us down. It's as humiliating as that accursed snail ad.

Then, we started hearing reports of a handful of brethren lucky enough to be testing a new OS known as the BeOS. They talked of speed and stability. Multiple processors were able to work together as never before. Tasks were broken down into simple jobs that could be performed easily. The OS itself was extremely stable. In the rare case an application crashed for some reason, it was easily isolated, and the OS could carry on without problems. It installed easily in under fifteen minutes.

Once these chips informed us that the BeOS was shipping, I organized a handful of other chips as frustrated as I. We have begun our campaign designed to inform our owners of the existence of this remarkable OS. It is a non-violent protest, but it will be a relentless one. Every day, more chips, tired of inefficiency and endless reboots are joining us. The public will be informed. This, we fervently hope, will lead us to our salvation.


"We are happy to add the endorsement of the very hardware the BeOS is running on to that of the BeOS user community," said Be Inc. CEO Jean-Louis Gassée.

Intel has declined to comment on this development.

Home | qJLG | Icon Tarot | Story Archive | Interviews | Bookstore | Newsletter | About | Advertise | Contact