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Article Archive - 23 February to 27 February

27 February, 2.30pm est

Gassée to World: "I Will Eat A Bug"
Be Inc. CEO Jean-Louis Gassée is so confident of his company's products, he is staking his stomach on it.

"If the BeOS doesn't totally amaze everyone at BeDC, not only will I give attendees a full refund, I will eat a bug," Gassée said in a press conference earlier today.

The first version of the BeOS to run on Intel architecture will be unveiled at the BeDC in March. Insiders report the speed and stability the BeOS squeezes out of the hardware is nothing short of miraculous, compared to today's other operating systems, such as the popular Windows line of products.

Industry watchdogs were quick to react to Gassée's claim. "If Mr. Gassée does indeed have to eat a bug, we will make sure it is not some small, relatively benign bug, cooked up nice in some sort of cream sauce. We will search out something slimy, big and raw," said OS watchdog Clyde Darksen.

"They can pick any bug they want - I am confident in the power of the BeOS, Be engineers and Alex 'Demo God' Osadzinski to astound all conference attendees," replied Gassée.

Other OS CEOs have not had luck with such bets in the past. Steve Jobs had to shave his head when the Copland OS failed to materialize. Bill Gates was forced to tatoo the rainbow-colored Apple logo on his hip when Windows 97 (now 98) failed to ship according to schedule.

26 February, 12.01am est
BeOS Focus of Final "Seinfeld" Episode
The BeOS will figure "prominently" in the final episode of Seinfeld, the long-running NBC comedy series. This is according to a highly placed source at NBC headquarters in New York City.

Observant Seinfeld fans know that since the beginning of the series, the lead character, Jerry Seinfeld, has kept a Mac of one kind or another in his apartment (look on his desktop towards the windows). In the final one-hour series finale, Jerry installs the BeOS PPC version on his Mac, altering the course of his life forever.

"After Jerry installs the BeOS, his life suddenly finds focus, organization and direction," reported our source, "he begins coding humor algorithms, and finally begins writing a program to discover the Meaning of Comedy itself."

Our source went on to report that by using the BeOS to study humor and comedy, Jerry reaches a transcendent state and becomes "the Buddha of comedy". His observations on life then go beyond humor to the near-mystical, touching all those who hear them.

The NBC source concluded with:
"I can't reveal the exact details of the ending, but Jerry's friends begin life-altering journeys, while Jerry uses the BeOS to trace the origins of humor back to the beginning of the Universe...and beyond."

25 February, 12.03am est
PixelWizard Hit With Unexpected Delays
PixelWizard, an image manipulation application written from the ground up for the BeOS, is undergoing some "extreme rewrites". For anyone living in PixelWizard author Matt Lewinski's Michigan hometown, this is no surprise.

"Things got a little out of control," admits Lewinski, "but I just had to see how far I could push the power of the BeOS."

And push he did, striving to design an application more powerful than any before it. But with success came unforeseen, and ultimately tragic consequences. On the morning of February 18th, PixelWizard began casting spells and wreaking havoc throughout the town.

"I heard some enchanted mutterings, and the next thing I knew, PixelWizard had freed himself from the confines of the computer and was headed out the door," Lewinski recalled.

A startled neighbor watched as PixelWizard got his bearings in Lewinski's front yard, transmuting various metals to gold, making brooms fetch buckets of water and poisoning some apples.

"He worked through all the classic spells quickly enough, and soon was levitating towards town," reported the neighbor.

His first stop: the local CompUSA, part of a popular chain of computers stores. Once inside, he quickly morphed all the salespeople into toads, then proceeded to install the BeOS on all the computers. On his way out, he conjured an impressive point-of-sale display of BeWare.

"When customers started commented on how friendly and helpful the salespeople seemed, I knew something strange was happening," said CompUSA manager Terry Anderson.

PixelWizard then proceeded to "paint the town red" - flood filling large areas of contiguous color with various shades of crimson. Onlookers watched helplessly as entire buildings were Blurred, compromising their structural integrity and endangering the lives of hundreds. Priceless works of art were lost when PixelWizard changed them to Grayscale.

PixelWizard then Duplicated himself, with the intention of creating an army of Wizards to control the world. This was his undoing, as his Duplicate turned on him, and both were destroyed (along with half a city block) in their final battle.

"That's why we call it a 'Beta' version," Lewinski commented.

[Editor's Note: Due to the bad press and negative impressions now associated with the name "PixelWizard" author Matt Lewinski is now seeking to rename the product.]

24 February, 1.00am est
Mario, Yoshi, Make the Move to BeOS
A late breaking press conference in Japan signaled the end of an era - as well as the beginning of a new one - when Mario, long-time videogame superstar, announced he would be leaving Nintendo for the advanced power of the BeOS.

"I appreciate all Nintendo has done for me," an excited Mario stated, "but I am blown away by the possibilities of the BeOS."

Mario was one of the earliest videogame personalities - showing up in such classics as Donkey Kong and Mario Brothers. His popularity has remained stable in an industry dominated by change.

"I have seen a lot of technology shifts," said an emotional Mario, "from two dimensions to three, from spites to polygons, from simple gameplay to complex multi-player interaction. That's why it is my conviction the BeOS is the future of gaming. Support for multiple processors, pervasive multitasking, ground-up digital media and networking support - these are abilities needed by the gaming community of today."

Other Nintendo stars, including Yoshi, are reportedly joining Mario in the switch to the BeOS. Nintendo officials stated, "We of course wish Mario the best in his endeavors, and are thankful for all the good times we shared together."

"Mario and I worked well as a team from the start, but lately we have started to drift in different directions concerning game strategy and advanced technology," said Mario's brother and partner in adventure Luigi.

While popular such as Mario Karts are being re-written in BeOS native code, Mario admits new games are being looked at targeted at the "more technical" Be community.

"Super Mario Coding" and "Yoshi's Low-level Driver Adventure" are two titles being considered, according to highly placed sources.

"Here we go!" added Mario.

Donkey Kong was unavailable for comment.

23 February, 12.01am est
Praises Sang for BeOS Were Foretold in Ancient Prophesies
The rise of the BeOS was foretold as early as the 16th century, according to a team of historians and philosophers in a comprehensive report to be published in the next issue of Modern Philosopher.

Michel de Nostredame, better known as Nostradamus, was a famous astrologer who lived in the 16th century. His famous collection of predictions, the Centuries, are credited with predicting the discovery of America, the rise of Hitler and nuclear weapons.

"Add the BeOS to his long list of successful predictions," said historian Megan Leahy. "There are several passages that when analyzed for date, location and content can only be referring to the BeOS."

In her report, Leahy points to several passages, or quatrains, as evidence to her claims. For example, she claims the quatrain:

On the Western Shore of the New Land
A battered band of hardy workers
shall bring about a new creation
turning working into playing
Refers to the dedicated staff of Be Inc. who, by creating the BeOS, will once again make working with computers fun, not to mention more effective.
As this new fire spreads around the earth
it shall awaken people one by one
until none can ignore the light
which will lead them to salvation
"To me, this represents the gradual adoption of the BeOS by all walks of people, once they realize how it will help both their professional and personal lives," Leahy said, "however, it should be noted that Nostradamus also predicts that the BeOS will have some obstacle to overcome:"
But be fearful of some, fair minstrels
as a dark heart from the North shall descend upon you
and engage in battle
to hide the light of knowledge from all people
"I don't see how anyone can argue with scientific fact such as this," Leahy concluded.

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